BRIAN DENNEHY IS BETTER THAN YOU

Dennehy, Day 17

2008-05-15T23:24:00.000-07:00

Brian Dennehy has an affinity for rabbits. In fact, his first was a rabbit named Chuckles. He was white with brown feet. He could whistle the Florida State theme song and could drink bourbon like water. Dennehy lost him in a bet with Bill Clinton over who could Dennehy more women in one night. Dennehy bet against himself and lost by a huge margin. Dennehy has yet to bet against himself again.

Dennehy, Day 16

2008-05-14T22:07:00.000-07:00

"The Return"*

Celebrity Playlist - Brian Dennehy

"Thriller" by Michael Jackson -"I turned down the leading role in the music video after they insisted on using make-up to hide the ole barrel chest."
"My Favorite Mistake" by Sheryl Crowe - "I wasn't her favorite mistake, but I did her. Twice."
"B*tches Ain't Shit" by Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg - "I ghostwrote this song. They made it a little less street. They actually spoke to women. I only lie to women."
"Sunday Kind of Love" by Etta James - "I actually just like song."
"Yellow Submarine" by the Beatles - "I used to own a yellow submarine. I still use sometimes if I travel back to '76 in my time machine. I'm Brian Dennehy."
"Crazy" by Britney Spears - "If this ain't the pot calling the kettle black, then it's at least the crazy shaving her head and bashing a car. And I did her."
"Say My Name" - Destiny's Child - "I just like the song. I mean seriously...what man says a woman's name? No really, who?"
"Ain't That A Kick in the Head" by Dean Martin - "I dedicate this song to Wilford Brimley every time I kick his fat, oatmeal chowing *ss."
"'Round Midnight" by John Coltrane & Miles Davis - "Great song."
"Mother" by Danzig - "I boned a lot of single moms to this song."
"American Idiot" by Green Day - "They say this song is about George W. Bush. But really the W. is Wilford and the B in Bush is for Brimley. I hate him."
"Tango" by Kenny G - "Me, plus bourbon, plus this song equals awesome."
"Gimme Shelter" by the Rolling Stones - "I blare this in my Mercedes convertible that is red and goes fast."
"Brown Sugar" by the Rolling Stones - "I put this on some oatmeal I stole from Wilford Brimley in 1985. The song is great to eat stolen oatmeal with."
"Peace in our Life (Rambo II)" by Frank Stallone - "I hate Frank Stallone. But I love this song. I did Frank Stallone's wife."
"Manic Monday" by the Bangles - "I did the lead singer. Susanna or Suzanne or something. I did her with impunity. Twice. And left her destitute on a Monday morning. Thanks for the song, b*tch! Enjoy the **rp**!"
"True At First Light: A Fictional Memoir" by Ernest Hemingway, narrated by Sir Brian Dennehy - "Yeah, I'm plugging my own projects. See F/X2 while you are at it."

*After a brief change of editors, this blog is once again being written by the world's 27th biggest Brian Dennehy fan.

Dennehy, Day 15

2008-04-24T19:47:00.000-07:00

Little Known Facts:

Brian Dennehy's middle name is "Shark." Like his namesake, he eats
raw fish for breakfast (and the occasional surfer chick).

Once, after waking up naked and wrapped in seaweed on Dockweiler
Beach, Dennehy stumbled across a golden lamp half-buried in the sand.
Inside – a genie. Our hero wished to become the sexiest man alive.
The genie waved his arms, there was a puff of smoke... and nothing
happened. You guessed it - Brian Dennehy already WAS the sexiest man
alive. Bri Den used his final two wishes on a life-time supply of pot
roast and a jet ski.

ODD got his coffee table from Crate and Barrel, his bourbon from
Circus Liquor, and his barrel chest from his great-great-grandmother
Beulah Dennehy ("Ugliest woman in Louisville, but t*ts like you
wouldn't believe" – BD).

While attending Columbia University on a football scholarship, he
played quarterback, wide receiver, tight end, cornerback, safety, and
middle linebacker. All at the same time. The Lions not had more
successful season since.

Dennehy, Day 14

2008-04-21T08:41:00.000-07:00

Does Brian Dennehy have an ethical obligation to time travel back and prevent the Titanic from sinking?

On one hand, the Original should save the Titanic. He has the knowledge and time machine to prevent the tragic sinking. On the other hand, he enjoys watching the Titanic sink while guzzling scotch and eating pot roast in his time machine. Also, after turning down several roles in "Titanic", he feels that James Cameron should have a masterpiece and therefore refuses to the use his time machine to prevent the sinking.

Brian Dennehy is Brian Dennehy. You are no Brian Dennehy.

Dennehy, Day 13

2008-04-20T21:53:00.000-07:00

***ANNOUNCEMENT***

Earth Day moved to July 9

Members of the global science community have decided to move Earth Day from April 22 to July 9. Dr. Wolfgang Von Bushwicken summed up the change with these words, "Brian Dennehy was born on July 9. The universe has 8 planets now. We initially thought planets orbited the Sun in an elliptical fashion; after a weekend viewing "F/X 2", we determined the other planets orbit Earth in a circular motion. The planets rotate around Earth on a tilted axes directly correlating to the front angle of Brian Dennehy's brush cut. Additionally, we have confirmed that the sun is indeed a retirement community created by Dennehy at the dawn of man (see: time machine) that actually proves the ideas and constructs of "Cocoon". Upon these realizations, we henceforth declare July 9 as the new Earth Day."

There is talk of Earth being renamed after Brian Dennehy, but "the Original" (a Dennehy approved nickname) has yet to decide what to rename Earth.

Dennehy, Day 12

2008-04-17T16:14:00.001-07:00

Gummi Bears.

In 1968, a hungover Brian Dennehy wanted a gummy treat that looked like his favorite barrel-chested animal, the bear. ODD mixed 3 parts bourbon, 2 parts sugar, 4 parts gelatin, and 1 part bear. The result, gummy bears.

Dennehy then formed a new branch to his conglomerate (Dennehy Industries): The Gummi Division. The division manufactured and distributed his Gummi Bears. Dennehy sold the Gummi Division to Nestle in 1980 for eight figures.

This was not Dennehy's first foray into food creation. In 1957, as a college freshman at Columbia, Dennehy created jello shots. Said Dennehy, "I want liquor. I want sweet. I want to get drunk." He initially wanted to use bourbon, but ended up using vodka. "None of these uptight *****es like bourbon."

Dennehy is also a master chef, part-time masseuse, and has a brown belt in Kung Fu.

Dennehy, Day 11

2008-04-17T15:43:00.000-07:00

Great Badass Moments in the life of Brian Dennehy:

Challenges Huey Lewis to a steel cage death match. Lewis declines and then pens "If this is it".
Gives Wilford Brimley diabetes on principle with a hard Dennehy-stare during 1985 filming of "Cocoon".
Barrel-chests through a brick wall to steal some Magnolia cupcakes. Police let him go after realizing, "Hey, this is Brian f*cking Dennehy!"
Attempts to go on NBC's Biggest Loser, but is rejected because "It's not fat. You are just barrel-chested."
NYC traffic literally stops as a video of Dennehy with a mustache is played on a billboard in Times Square. Days later Tom Selleck decides to grow a mustache for Magnum P.I.
Dennehy has sex with Steve Guttenberg's wife and mistress on the set of Cocoon. Asked why he ruined a marriage, an affair, and a friendship, Dennehy replied, "Because I'm Brian f*ckin' Dennehy!"
Kicked off the cast of "Over the Top" after breaking Frank Stallone's arm in an arm wrestling match.
Kicked off of "Cliffhanger" for mocking Frank Stallone until Sylvester Stallone cried and pigged out on ice cream.
Gets out of speeding ticket (150mph in a school zone) by telling cop, "I'm Brian Dennehy. I don't even obey the laws of gravity." After which he preceded to fly to local Dairy Queen and purchase cones for seniors and children. Then fly back to his car and drove 180mph through the school zone.
Got a kitten down from a tree by barrel-chesting it (the tree, not the cat; Dennehy loves animals).
Got a kitten off a roof by shining moonbeams off his silver hair.
Drank a case of beer while running a marathon and winning by...you guessed...his barrel-chest.

Dennehy, Day 10

2008-04-17T14:27:00.000-07:00

In 1985, Dennehy sold a sand castle to the Russian army (they believed it to be a nuke). When it was found out to be merely a sand castle, the Russians abruptly ended the Cold War. The Russians later, in awe of its sheer beauty, bronzed the sand castle and put it in the Tretyakov Gallery in Moscow. Dennehy was brought over for a ribbon-cutting ceremony, and was simultaneously decorated as Head of the Russian Naval Fleet.

While in Moscow, Dennehy filmed a few scenes for "Rocky IV" that were later cut. The producers wanted a younger, less barrel-chested Drago. Dennehy purists believe the scenes were cut as a result of the decade long feud between Brian Dennehy and Frank Stallone.

Many credit "Rocky IV" as the film that ended the Cold War. The cold, hard Russian truth is that Dennehy's sand castle ended the Cold War. Ronald Reagan attempted to replace George H.W. Bush with Brian Dennehy, but Dennehy declined the invitation to film "Cocoon" (and begin a feud with Wilford Brimley that has gone on for decades).

Dennehy, Day 9

2008-04-16T14:52:00.000-07:00

The Ex's of Brian Dennehy

Faye Dunnaway
Lil' Kim
Sally Struthers (that's why she cries so much)
Deidre Hall (to get back at Wilford Brimley)
J-Lo (collectively they were referred to as "Jennehy")
Bea Arthur
Estelle Getty
Rue McClanahan
Betty White
Princess Diana (who didn't)
Diana Ross
Lara Flynn Boyle
Ashley and/or Mary-Kate Olson (was never actually sure, just called her 'Peanut')
Several pot roasts and pot roast sandwiches

Rumored relationships, never confirmed:

William Shatner
Snuffleupagus
Mariah Carey
Sophia Lauren
An unnamed Gummi Bear

Dennehy, Day 8

2008-04-15T10:27:00.000-07:00

The "Gladiator" Fiasco

When "Gladiator" (starring Russell "Rusty" Crowe) won for Best Picture, Brian Dennehy thought that "Gladiator" (starring a svelt 270lb Dennehy and Cuba Gooding Jr.) had won.* He attempted to walk on the stage and got up a few steps before being lured off with a snack-pack of pot roast and bourbon. Backstage, Dennehy approached a smirking Crowe and punched him in the mouth. Crowe regained consciousness 8 days later and used his groggy feelings and ineptitude as the basis for "A Beautiful Mind".

*One has to wonder how Dennehy thought his 1992 film could be up for best picture in 2001. Said One should also consider one word, bourbon.

Dennehy, Day 7

2008-04-10T16:25:00.001-07:00

Proposed nicknames:

Bri Den
Sir Brian Dennehy or SBD
Lord Brian Dennehy
BCSHMFBD (Barrel Chested Silver Haired Mother Fucking Brian Dennehy)
Brian Fuckin' Dennehy
The real Rambo
Father of Man
Sergeant
Captain Dennehy
Dr. Brian Dennehy
Dr. Barrel-Chest
General Dennehy
Silver-haired Jesus
Dr. D
The Original Brian Dennehy
Ol' Dirty Dennehy
ODD
The King of Lines
Theatre Master
Tickles the Magical Clown
The Human Bus Stop
The Pot of the Roast
Buster

Or maybe he's too cool for a nickname.

Post your thoughts in the comments section.

Dennehy, Day 6

2008-04-10T14:54:00.000-07:00

The term. Dennehy-ed. Verb. Dennehy has a Latin origin meaning awesome, barrel-chested lothario. The introduction of the word to the English language occurred after the coloquialization of a standard Dennehy bar move, the Dennehy.

The Dennehy consists of 5 basic steps.

Enter a bar
Order a double bourbon on the rocks
Make a eye contact with a woman
Take that woman home after slamming the double bourbon
Laying that woman, then returning the bar to repeat or drink with friends.*

Upon returning to the bar, Brian Dennehy slams another double bourbon and screams, "I dennehy-ed that *****!" while taking photographs with children.

Mere mortal men have "dennehy-ed" women, but at a rate far below that of Lord Brian Dennehy. For this reason, the term has slowly gained popularity. In fact, it is a secret passed on between gents after one has "dennehy-ed" and not yet coined a term for the phrase. Sample inaction below:

"You're back already?"

"Yeah. She was beautiful, but its only 8:15. Who do I look like Kirk Cameron?"

"Man, that is awesome. You slept with a woman and now you are back pounding drinks with the boys."

"That is awesome. We have to come up with a name for this."

(instant silence)

"There is a name for that...dennehy-ed. Named after Brian Dennehy. He dennehy-ed enough women on St. Patrick's Day to improve the sale of Valtrex 1o fold. But don't sell youself short. I mean you're not silver haired or barrel-chested either."

(sigh) "I know."

*You may be wondering why Brian Dennehy would return to drink with his friends. This actually happened once in 1989. Dennehy started early at the bar and dennehy-ed able bodied woman there. He considered a tryst with a polar bear, but decided it didn't have enough chest hair or barrel-chestedness.

Dennehy, Day 5

2008-04-10T14:23:00.000-07:00

Past jobs held by dennehy before he became famous as the greatest actor in 3 generations

Volunteer firefighter
Professional kickboxer
Bootlegger
Tree-trimmer
Tap dancer in 2 ring circus
General showboat
Mr. Teen New Jersey
Butcher
Manwhore
Scrapbooker
Barista
Swindler
Cocksure

Dennehy, Day 4

2008-04-08T16:54:00.000-07:00

The bible according to Dennehy.

Day 1 - God creates Earth and Man (Brian Dennehy's great-great-great....great grandpa Brad Dennehy).
Day 2 - God creates theatre.
Day 3 - God creates pot roast.
Day 4 - God creates bourbon.
Day 5 - Brad Dennehy creates bourbon and pot roast parties.
Day 6 - God creates barrel-chestedness.
Day 7 - Brad Dennehy creates pregnancy after a night of bourbon, pot roast and barrel-chesting with some angels. God banishes Brad to Earth.

Dennehy, Day 3

2008-04-08T16:50:00.001-07:00

Dream roles:

Himself in "A Walk with God: The Brian Dennehy Story";
Anything in which Frank Stallone is systematically beaten or murdered;
John Lithgow's role in "Footloose";
Himself in an anti-Viagra advertisment series;
"Summer Catch II" but only if Jessica Biel or any woman under 54 is in the picture (see above for any performance questions)(Editor's side note: Even I vomited reading that);
God in "A Walk with God: The Brian Dennehy Story";
John Kreese (Cobra Kai instructor) in Karate Kid series;
Rodney Dangerfield role in "Back to School";
John McClain in Die Hard series ("I feel he could have been older and more barrel-chested for that matter!");
Apollo Creed in Rocky series ("Can I box?! I'm Brian f*cking Dennehy!!!" - BD);
Robin Williams roles in "Mrs. Doubtfire" and "Good Will Hunting";
Darth Vader ("More barrel-chested!!!" - BD)
Michael Douglas' role in "Basic Instinct" ("I slept with a Sharon once. Maybe it was Sharon Stone or maybe that was Shari Lewis...and no I didn't touch Lambchop." BD).
"Kojak, but with hair...maybe a mustache...and barrel-chested like a broad working the docks in a navy shipping yard. God, I miss 'Nam." - BD (Editor's note - Brian Dennehy never served in Vietnam).

Dennehy, Day 2

2008-04-08T15:57:00.000-07:00

Brian Dennehy's Likes and Dislikes

Likes:

Pot roast (He has an unnatural sexual attraction to it.)
Breathing underwater
South Park movie (It's his Pulp Fiction.)
Lifesavers
Lint
Any pet named Mr. Whiskers
His Tony awards (named Sancho and Dr. Gumbo respectively)
Murder and vengeance ("The oxygen and water of drama." - BD)
Whole Milk
Talking dirty in bed (like real dirty, Animal Planet uncensored dirty)
Goth chicks ("Mouths like truckers and ******s taste like Smuckers!" - BD)
Dry elbows
CSI: Miami (which is based on his time as a volunteer Sheriff's Deputy in Dade County)

Dislikes:

Dragons, monsters or any mythological creatures that he can't slay with a toothbrush, piping hot cup of coffee and untuned banjo
Paper
Frank Stallone
Royalty
People with four fingers
People with eight fingers
F/X2: The Deadly Art of Illusion
Michael Caine ("the English Brian Dennehy")
Classical music
Wilford Brimley
People that think he is Wilford Brimley
Men with long fingernails (see Wilford Brimley)
Wilford **cking Brimley ("I want that Quaker Oats ad back you son-of-a-***ch!!!" - BD)
Nickels
Sober Twister
Lichtenstein

Dennehy, Day 1

2008-04-08T15:12:00.000-07:00

Miscellaneous facts about Brian Dennehy

In the summer his belly button is the 4th largest salt water lake in the world.
Frank Stallone was supposed to co-star in First Blood, but Dennehy ate him.
Dennehy later used his time machine (named Buttons) to bring Frank Stallone back to life; Sadly, he couldn't do anything to bring Frank Stallone's acting career back to life.
Brian Dennehy's chest hair was the basis for kevlar.
Brian Dennehy knows all 50 states and their capitals. He thinks Canada is an offbrand soap and that the Yukon Territory is a potato/chewing tobacco blend.
He drinks motor oil instead of coffee.
He played college football at Columbia until he was kicked off the team for being too good. The "Dennehy Rules" would later result in the formation of NAFTA, the Sarbanes-Oxley Act, and the creation of Dippin' Dots.

Brian Dennehy is better than you

2008-04-08T15:08:00.000-07:00

This blog is devoted to Brian Dennehy. I will have daily posts of facts, stories and legends regarding King Dennehy.